13 Weeks And Counting....And Not Forsaken

     Almost 27 weeks down . Is that really possible? Has it truly been long enough? In some cases I'd said heck yes. But in others I can't believe its getting so close.

   

  Wow, ok, panic attack just set in. There's all those questions that pop up in your brain. Will I be a good mom? Will I teach her the right G-dly things? Will I show her love like she needs? Will I be strong enough to correct her in love instead of anger? Will I make her life a joy ,or will it be a boring? Do I have all the stuff I need to take care of her? And the list goes on ......  

  I'm sure to some degree every woman faces these questions. I have so many fears about this. Not necessarily that I'll be a bad momma , just not the one I had hoped I would be. I want to instill such wholesome and G-dly values in her. And while being protective of her I don't want to forget to teach her to be free ... And then there's my lessons. Will I learn my hard lessons in time to teach her the right way to live? I simply don't know... I'm not even sure if that's possible. She may need to learn right along with me !

  I've been learning some tough lessons lately. One's about love and kindness. How often is it hard to do both at the same time? I find myself struggling with this a lot. For years I've been the people-pleaser . And went to a far extreme trying not to hurt anyone . But in the process I hurt myself. So my natural response was to recluse and not be very loving or kind to hardly anyone. Kind of an all-or-nothing kind of vibe. I couldn't find a happy ground in which I was able to love and be kind without being used. And then when I found I was being used , I wouldn't handle the problem nicely, instead I would bite off somebody's head. Which , needless-to-say , never helped my problems. To everybody else I became this mean , cold, heartless person , that I really wasn't. I was missing the balance....

  Now , with raising our baby, I hate the thought that I would pass on my hang-ups to her. I fear this deeply. I don't want her to live through the same struggles and heartache I have/do. I guess that's the maternal side coming out. 

 But how do we fix this? Somebody , who is dear to my heart, told me this: " How does one overcome issues in their lives? What is the simplest way to gain back the ground you have lost....? Draw closer to the L-rd". I knew when she said that I was toast. Have I been lacking in my worship to a point where I was loosing focus? I'm ashamed to admit it but probably so. For the past 3 months things in this house have gone crazy. So many ups and downs , fast pace worries, and no sleep. When I looked back I realized my center focus was off..... How can somebody portray love and kindness when I was lacking the feeling in my own heart....

  Did you know the word for "worship" is never defined in the Bible? And yet 131 of 330 verses in the book of Hebrews alone talks about it! The largest book in the Old Testament talks about it and the largest book is a book of thanksgiving and worship! Like the Ark of the Covenant , we are walking "temples" of G-d. Basically , places of mobile worship unto the L-rd. Where His presence can  manifest and can move forth in power!!! But if we are not in a constant state of worship , how can this happen? How can that power and love and kindness reach the masses.....well... it can't. You cannot give that which you do not have. 

 So my goal ... As a mom who desperately wants to show her baby girl the power of a loving G-d and how being in worship with him is the only way we can get through this life... I will learn from this. I will praise Him b/c His mercy and grace covers where I fail. Because His presence IS inside me , and I am never forsaken. Even if I don't feel like it at the moment , or it feels easier to quit , I will come into this meeting place and enter into intimacy with Yeshua. Learning to acknowledge His presence and allowing Him to move as I move forward in prayer and worship! 

  The only way I can see for myself to be a strong ,G-d-fearing ,loving , kind, sensitive wife and mother is to be honest with myself when I fail. Be honest with my loved ones. Not holding onto the pride of just getting by . I want to live this life for all that G-d has offered to us. and by admitting when I've messed up (again) I hope to be that example that little miss needs to be an amazing woman! 

Loves and all the Kindness I can give!