What wings are to a bird.....

“Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open.”
― Corrie ten Boom

      

   It's been a while since I really wrote something worth telling . I've been going through the fire I guess ...... Do you go through those moments when you are mad at things....what I mean to say is .......ok ... here ..

   I have been struggle ,well wrestling is a better word, with G-d. He has this plan for me. I have NO freekin' clue what that is and it bothers me . I have asked him this question, many times in fact , " G-d , I really want  ___ and I can't understand why I can't have ___".  Now I know that your thinking ,

" gees Mel, that's a little selfish sounding". And from the way that statement was , I could see how that could sound that way . But place on the lines something that is meaningful to you . Something that would break your heart if it never happened. Now ... does it still sound selfish. I don't know ....May be . 

    I don't know if its just me , going through this crap , that makes me feel this way . But I feel like I'm trapped in this muck. I haven't told many people , but ....Something has been taken away from me . And its in my ability to get another one, but there is something in the way . There is a mountain, that I love dearly , but it(he) just won't crumble. And I have prayed , and whined, and cried....And prayed , and whined , and cried... And still....nothing . 

   Now I know that G-d says this ....Delight yourself in the L-RD and he will give you the desires of your heart- Psalms 37:4 

Then I was thinking of Numbers 23:19.... God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?

   I love the L-rd with all my heart . I truly do . But for me , right now, its hard to feel like "delighting myself" in Him . And I know.... wait, is that the problem ? I "know" but don't believe ?  Or maybe do I not trust Him enough to believe ?  I'm really not sure. 


   But here is what I do believe . He loves me. He's never once let me down . I've constantly got something to say and He always has an ear to hear me. 


  Then , knowing all that , why can't I let Him do His job ? 

  I guess the hardest thing for me to deal with , if I was being honest here , is that he will tell me ..... No. When something is this important to you ,to the point of tears, and you feel shafted somehow ... then to hear the word NO , it would be really hard to swallow . I'll be honest . 

Can I really understand why he does what he does? Um  , duh. Nope!  But being willing to embrace the word "No" is harder than I thought it could be . 


 But through all of this , I keep hearing the voice of a sweet little old lady say some of the most powerful words....

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”
― Corrie ten Boom

 With all of this I know I have a long way to go . Its not easy to grow. but its necessary.


“What wings are to a bird, and sails to a ship, so is prayer to the soul.”- Corrie ten Boom


Dear Yeshua  ,

     I don't know how to let go of what I cannot control. I can't make certain  that things happen the way I want them . I just simply can't . I need you to hear me , and to see me . I need to be seen by You.  Because the glass I see you through is dim. Open my eyes , and teach me to delight myself in you . Teach me to hold everything in my hands lightly and be willing to give them to You if You ask for them . Forgive me ........for not realizing that this is all perfect preparation for the future that only YOU can see...........


  Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hatred. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.