Bewildered

      Burdens. Unfortunately they exist. My heart has been heavy burdened for the last  1 ½  years . See ….. There are things that I couldn’t control . And I understood that .  I dealt with the sorrow that accompanied it . Grew from it , and changed. Or though I thought .  And in truth , I never changed …..I just tucked it deep inside me and didn’t want it to show .

    There is something that my heart desires more than anything right now . It’s actually been this way for years.  But more so in the last year. I feel incomplete without ……  My heart just hurts over it . At what point are you being selfish and at what point  do you recognize it as being a desire that God put in me. From day one as a woman God put this desire in me .  From just thinking about it I grew attached . My heart now aches for it .

       And what do you do when the other heart you belong to is not ready . And you really are. Desperately are. Ready to embark on one of life’s grandest journeys . To be blessed with one of the sweetest blessing to be given . Its  so hard to  deal with this feeling of being incomplete . And in the same turn , expected to be patient , loving , kind, long suffering. Wow , is that a word …. “Long suffering” . When is it long enough?

       I see so many around me experiencing in the joy I deeply desire. I never begrudge anyone for their Blessing , I just long for my own . To be able to express my love , joy, sorrows, and  successes  with such a blessing.  But … The barrier seems to be more strong-willed than I had imagined . Its sad …. To look a blessing in the face and not even see it is there. I wish I could paint a huge picture that would make since. And its so hard to let God  work his will in a situation that you feel so strongly about. It’s hard not  to take the reins  and try to control things myself  . I know Jesus is Jesus , yesterday , today , and forever. And  I know that he looks after and favors his children . 

          

          I just need His word. A word. A sign ….. Something!  Something that would tell me yes or no .  All I can do is pray . I don’t even know how to pray for a blessing anymore. I know that’s sad , but I’m be honest and real. I’m not perfect , but I have feelings  and they are hurt . I believe it’s my lack of understanding .  But … I will continue to sit and wait for this sign .. This word… this…… Blessing!